The Cookie Monster
by 0HeartShapedBox0
Summary: What happens when Kitty decides to cook for the Annual Bayville High bake-sale? Disaster, of course!


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own X-Men. Wow, I bet you didn't see that coming ;) Anyway, this is just a little series of events and consequences revolving around Kitty's terrible cooking skills. Enjoy!  
*****

Kitty Pryde smiled a smile of triumph as she stepped back and admired her work. Thirty-five bright, glossy pieces of paper advertising the Annual Bayville High Bake-Sale were now stapled onto the walls in various places in Bayville High, the place where Kitty and her other mutant chums went to school. The skinny brunette could not believe that she had been given this golden opportunity to start her career as a famous TV chef. She remembered how her heart skipped a beat when she saw the handout looking for volunteers to help the bake-sale, and now she was putting up posters publicizing it to the other students, doing her bit for the advertising department of the fundraiser. She had already been told off in class numerous times for doodling little pictures of cupcakes and cookies on her textbooks and jotting down possible ingredients for original cakes on her hand while the teachers were talking. She couldn't wait to impress the people at the bake-sale with her culinary genius when next Saturday finally came around.  
***

Scott Summers strolled through the front entrance of the X-Mansion, supporting his schoolbag on his shoulder with one hand and holding a half-eaten shiny, ruby-red apple in the other. He was rather happy about his day at school, no drama or boring lectures had taken place and he got to drive his car home alone, seeing as Jean had soccer practise, Rogue was hanging out with her new friend, Risty, Evan was in after-school detention for skipping Science class, Kitty was at some sort of school meeting and the other kids were hanging out somewhere, meaning he got to take his much loved vehicle for a ride back home via the longer scenic route. He would have started whistling a happy tune if a BAMF of grey brimstone-scented smoke hadn't popped out right in front of Scott, causing him to drop his apple onto the clean carpet.

"Geez, Kurt! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Scott scowled the younger boy as he bent down to fetch his run-away piece of fruit.

"I apologize, mein freund, but I have news!" Kurt said, switching off his watch which made him appear 'normal' to the non-mutant students at Bayville High, seeing as he was now safe in the X-Mansion from prejudice against his fuzzy blue appearance.

"Good news?" Scott asked hopefully, throwing the apple across the room to the bin, seeing ass he refused to eat something that had been on the floor.

"If you count a lot of people with indigestion and stomach pains good, vhen yes." Kurt said, watching the discarded apple land in the silver rubbish can.

"Why? What's happened?" Scott said, his voice sounding very serious.

"Uh, nothing yet. But I overheard Kitty telling Amara and Jubilee that she vas going to cook at the bake-sale on Saturday."Kurt winced slightly, thinking of the many times Kitty had used him as her official taste-tester for quite a few of her revolting inventions.

"Oh no." Scott said, beginning to worry about all the people on Saturday who would be chipping teeth trying to bite into rock-hard muffins and vomiting up pieces of indigestible pastries. "What if Taryn gets food poisoning?" He began to fret.

"I vouldn't worry TOO much, Scott. I have already thought up a plan." Kurt smiled.

"I'm all ears."  
***

"Where's the sugar gone?" Kitty muttered to herself as she mixed the watery substance in the mixing bowl with a wooden spoon. "This like, must be it!" She remarked, grabbing a bottle of salt and pouring most of the contents into the cake batter.

"What are we going ta do about this?" Rogue asked as she approached Scott and Kurt, who were peeking into the kitchen from a small crack in the door. "It's almost midnight, and she's been there since half-past seven!"

"We know." Scott sighed as Kitty put a whole egg into the cookie batter, eggshell and all.

"We need to tell her to stop, guys! You remember last time she made a cake, Kurt was in the bathroom for a week!" Rogue said.

"My digestive system has never been the same." Kurt agreed.

"But she's so dedicated! We can't just barge in and ruin her dreams!" Jean Grey said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Shut up, Jean! Stop trying to ruin my plan!" Scott said harshly.

Jean was shocked speechless, running away from Scott and refusing to appear in this fanfiction again.

"Cook for an hour at 120 degrees... Hey, I bet I could like, cut down the time by doubling the temperature!" She squealed, turning the oven knob to 240. She pulled a chair out from under the kitchen table and started reading a cooking book.

"What's your plan then, Scott?" Rogue asked.

"I thought we could..." Scott whispered his plan into Rogue's ear.

"That's great!" Rogue complimented.

"Hey, I came up with most of it, you know!" Kurt grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Then you can perform it, Kurt! Me and Rogue will distract Kitty on Saturday morning, and you can do all the work." Scott offered.

"But..."

"Good idea, Scott! Well, ya better hop to it Kurt, the sooner ya start the plan, the sooner you can forget about it!" Rogue added.

"But..."

"Thanks a billion Kurt!" Scott smiled.

"Fine, but you owe me!" Kurt sighed in defeat.  
***

"Mr. Logan!" Kitty said brightly when the half-awake mutant walked into the kitchen at the strike of dawn to get a bottle of beer.

He grunted in reply, not really wanting to talk until he had completed a Danger Room session and had finished his alcoholic drink.

"Could you like, do me a teeny-weeny favour?" Kitty asked, resembling a little wedge between her thumb and index finger.

Logan sighed. "Sure kid, just make it quick."

"Well, last night I was like, reading this Japanese cuisine recipe book, right?" Kitty started. "Well, I saw this recipe for like, Teriyaki Chicken Sushi, and I thought that it would like, be great for making an original cookie! What do you like think, Mr. Logan?"

Logan had his head in the refrigerator while Kitty was speaking, concentrating on trying to find his hidden beer bottle amongst the chocolate milk and orange juice, resulting in him not really listening to a single ever drank) so he grabbed it without hesitation.

"Well?" Kitty asked impatiently after Logan didn't reply.

"Uh, sure kid. Do whatever your heart desires." Logan said, disguising the fact that he had missed most of her dialogue. His claws came out of his knuckles with a SNIKT sound, popping the beer cap off the bottle.

"Mr. Logan! It's not even 7 o'clock! You can't drink alcohol at this time, it like, totally kills your liver!" Kitty screamed in disgust.

The large man looked at the clock above Kitty's head. "7:02" He read aloud. "Guess that means I'm off the hook!" He smiled slightly, walking out of the kitchen to start up the Danger Room.

When he had left the room, Kitty's eyes widened in excitement. "You know, he's right! If I trust my gut feeling then my cookies will be great!" She hummed a song as she mashed rice, teriyaki chicken and seaweed into the chocolate cookie mix.  
***

The sun shined through the windows of the school's gymnasium, where the tables were set up, pink, yellow and blue signs and streamers sprayed all around. Kitty's stall was bright, big and covered in sparkles, attracting a lot of attention from the people who walked past. Kitty was standing there with a bright expression on her face as she asked the various students, teachers and local people to try her various snacks. As casually as possible, Logan, Scott, Kurt and Rogue walked around, looking at the cute little meringues and the huge blueberry pies on display at the other people's stalls, occasionally buying a few to make up for the lack of breakfast they had, thanks to Kitty insisting to serving them raw eggs, uncooked bacon and burnt toast with off-date butter this morning.

"Elf, maybe you should save some of them for later." Logan grunted, eyeing the pile of various sweets in Kurt's arms.

"I'm a growing boy, I gotta eat!" Kurt defended himself, continuing to munch on a fluffy jam donut and a thick slice of carrot cake at the same time.

"Oh, hey guys!" Kitty waved from her stall, motioning for the small group to come and try her food.

"Hey, Kitty." Kurt gulped.

"Are you going to like, try some of these cookies, Mr. Logan?" She said, pointing at a batch of large cookies on a bright blue plate.

Logan looked slightly nervous, knowing what Kitty's food had done to Kurt and the other mutant students at Xavier's mansion in the past.

"Don't worry, Kurt swapped the food around this mornin'. Kitty's real bakin' is still at the mansion." Rogue whispered so quietly that only Logan's super-human hearing could pick it up.

Logan eased up a bit. "Ok then, half-pint." He said, handing her the money.

"Like, thanks!" Kitty grinned, exchanging Logan's money for a cookie.

Logan bit off a big chunk of the very innocent-looking cookie. _"Hmm... not too bad." _He thought. Rogue and Scott smiled discreetly at each other, happy that their plan to exchange Kitty's cooking for edible food succeeded. But, unfortunately, their plan had not quite worked out as well as they hoped.

Logan fell forward slightly in surprise when the taste of teriyaki, seaweed, chocolate and sugar collided together to make one horrifyingly disgusting flavour. He clutched his muscley stomach as he felt the swallowed cookie bits arising from his stomach. He vomited loudly, the chunks of cookie now swimming in a pile of squishy yellow-brown liquid on the floor.

"What happened?" Scott asked in surprise. Rogue and Scott turned their heads towards Kurt, who was beginning to walk away slowly

"What the hell did ya do to the Betty Crocker cookies you were supposed to trade Kitty's with, Blue Boy?" Rogue screeched, grabbing Kurt by the collar of his shirt.

"I got hungry?" Kurt said, a nervous edge on his voice. Rogue screamed and ambushed Kurt onto the ground.

"So you ate them instead of swapping them to prevent hundreds of people from swallowing Kitty's poison? Logan's gonna die and it's all your fault!" Rogue cried out, tackling Kurt.

"Rogue, be reasonable! Kitty's food hasn't killed anyone... yet." Scott added the last word ass he witnessed Logan throwing up once more.

"Call 911!" A random school student yelled.

"Christ, Scott! Call the god-damned Professor already!" Rogue commanded, never loosening her grip on Kurt.

"Oh my gosh! Mr. Logan!" Kitty wailed, beginning to sob very loudly.

"Um, Professor? There's been a little problem..." Scott began talking into his mobile.

_"Kitty?" _The Professor asked from the other side.

"How'd you guess?" Scott smiled slightly. In the background Logan vomited once more, the majority of it landing on Kurt and Rogue, who were still on the floor wrestling. "I think we might need the X-Van..." Scott continued as both Rogue and Kurt shrieked at a deafening tone.

"My hair!"

"My fur!"

"Oh my gosh, Mr. Logan!"

"DIE, BLUE BOY!"

"No, you die!"

"STOP IT CHILDREN!"

"Oh my goshhhh, Mr. Logan!"

"MY HAIR IS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Look at me! I got most of it!"

"Crap, crap, crap, Mr. Logan please like, don't die!"

"I WILL KILL YOU AND PUT YA HEAD ON A STAKE, FUZZY!"

"Not if you can't catch me!"

"You wouldn't dare! Everyone will see!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"Please live, Mr. Logan. Like, please live!"

"Uh, Professor? Tell Storm to step on it. There is no way this place will be standing in five minutes!" Scott whimpered slightly as cake stall began falling.  
***

Back at the X-Mansion, Professor Xavier sighed. His X-Men were supposed to be strong, brave warriors who protected mankind, not chaotic, childish things who ran around tackling each other and poisoning their teachers.

"She'll be there as soon as possible." The Professor said. He hanged up and voiced out a message to Storm.

_"Storm, your foot better not touch that brake! You need to get there before the roof comes down!" _

*****  
Thankyou for reading! As you may have already noticed, there is a little button just below this that says "Review". Please make use of this button; you don't even have to be logged in to review! Constructive criticism is welcome, but no flamers unless it was honestly the worst thing you have ever read. If you guys didn't think it was absolutely terrible, I AM thinking of a sequel involving Logan trying to recover from that evil, evil cookie, but if you have any other suggestions or you just want to say how you felt about this fanfiction, then please, PLEASE review and let me know what you think. Ciao!**


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